To reach the summit.

In life it is great to have dreams, to aspire to work towards a goal, to keep yourself focused.

For me, I let my dream go a long time ago, why? It was firmly drilled into me at school, & by others you can make a living from writing, it’s an industry you can not break into.

So instead I have worked jobs I haven’t really loved, continually jumping jobs every 2 – 3 years as I was not pushed, my intelligence & other skills were never really used to the full potential.

To me, it would have cost my mental health more to have a dream job I could never have, never reach, not be relatable to others at all, & definitely not make a living from.

However in other ways it has cost me a lot, my self esteem & self belief have suffered as I knew I was not reaching my full potential.

That frustration is what started EllPoet website, & me having the confidence to show the world my work.

By doing this I put in motion a series of events that has changed my life, given me self belief again, & given me my self esteem back.

I have recently been offered a job to be the Poet in residence, for an organisation aimed at giving young people back control over their lives, & guiding them to be the best they can be.

This is huge for me, a company is going to pay me to write. Write as many poems, short stories, & proses that I want to, & help guide young people with their writing at the same time.

The huge smile on my face has not gone away for 48 hours, this is why we write.

To express ourselves, to encourage others to express themselves, to give an outlet to our frustrations, our emotions good & bad, to let someone know we love them, to write about beauty in all things, grief, loss, wisdom, anything we can make a great piece of art out of.

I am so thankful for this opportunity, also for this community. The writing community is a very supportive community. I will continue to post on here, to keep encouraging others like you have all encouraged me.

Thank you.

Alone

My heart is hurting, that empty pain you feel inside, the feeling of being alone

I can see you, smell you & hear you, you are right there next to me

Your back is to me, I see more of your back then your face recently 

I can’t get near you, your emotions are dimmed, as if a fire has been extinguished 

I have been so happy, I feel like finally good things are happening to me

You never really acknowledged this, you said you were proud, you even had the look of love again for a minute 

There was no hug, no kiss, no trying to celebrate me, sometimes I want to feel special too, I feel defeated 

How is it that you didn’t want to hug or kiss me? 

What have I done to be so left alone?

Surprise gift.

My father passed away in January. We were very close, he was not only my father, he was my mentor, he really helped me control the beast that is bipola.

He was a incredibly smart man, he was a genius, this was clear by the people that sought him out to consult on political campaigns, business in change management, giving talks at businesses, the list could go on.

As a big of a ‘hobby’ he used to help out his friends with their businesses or the project they were working on.

I received a call today from a very close friend of his, Dad was starting to help him rebrand a company, focusing on the mental health of young people.

I excepted it to be a quick hello & checking in with me.

I WAS WRONG!

He quickly proceeded to ask me if I could step into my dads shoes, & help him with the rebranding. I have no experience in this field, however he is a genius, he knows me, he believes I can do it.

So the first challenge is leading to believe in myself. I just need to get past the shock of being asked to do this, & feeling overwhelmingly humbled.

Me.

As I look back over the past 18 months, so much has changed.

I am a very social soul by nature, however I have always been more comfortable on the other end of the phone, or having a few friends at home.

For me, who had been thrust into being a single mum due to tragic circumstances 18 months before, being at home was somewhat a welcome break. I could just be at home, work at home, everything!

Of course I felt lonely, I had become accustomed to that feeling.

Most people have said how much their relationship suffered, how being together all the time was an eye opener. I did not envy them, until a beautiful woman knocked me down.

We met in unusual circumstances, during a pandemic there is no other way to meet, we had met briefly before, she knew my story well.

We were talking when I was visiting my wife, in the facility she now lives, unable to move or talk, all of that was taken in a flash. This woman was saying, like so many others, she could not get basic food.

I explained that I had enough to share of the basics she might need, she quickly accepted my offer, we exchanged details, she said she would be over after work.

She came at 4pm & left at 3am. We kept talking online, when she asked if I had considered a relationship again.

That was that, here we are, blissfully happy, she knows she shares me with another, it is a unique situation.

Unique in so many ways, both of us have bipola, I have PTSD & anxiety. This could be complicated, which is why communication & always working on our relationship is the way we make sure we are ok.

I somehow found happiness again, during the darkest of times for society.

One of those nights.

 

It has been one of those bipola nights, unable to sleep, feeling overly emotional about everything. Feeling like everything is my fault.

For my partner who is great, my emotions can be too much at times, she will mention one little issue that is nothing in the scheme of things, & I will break down in tears.

Now I know this is also the perimenopause, however bipola is the biggest culprit. It doesn’t just stop at being emotional, my mind will not rest, flashing before my eyes is every way things could go wrong, & I will be heartbroken again.

Now I know in reality this is unlikely, as we all know, relationships sometimes fall apart. We are very much a couple in love, with respect & understanding.

However my mind is trying to convince me otherwise. In response to that along comes the sobbing, then anxiety, then the feeling of darkness. I know I have to control this.

For me there are a few ways I can control this, let myself have a good cry, have a sob, let it out! I can tell myself to get it together, distract my mind with something engaging, however this approach is flawed, our minds can outsmart us. So I have decided at 6:45am, I am going to go & snuggle up to my partner, she will wrap me in her arms, & I will feel loved.

For the moment that is enough. I know it will calm the storm, after some rest, my energy will return, & I can tackle the beast of bipola again.

Resilience of a child’s heart.

As I sit here on my deck, seeing the trees dance in the wind, the branches every now & then make a creaking sound

The grass is green, it’s just been mowed, the smell of freshly mowed grass lingers in the air

I can hear the native birds flying above, playing in the sky, like tiny kites that dip & flow at will, calling to each other as they soar effortlessly

I reach for my coffee, I can smell the divine scent, the first taste is bliss, it lingers on my tongue, the bitterness I can taste then the sweetness of sugar, finally the creaminess of milk that makes my coffee perfect

Days like this I feel whole, I feel light, there is happiness within me, there is no effort to notice the beauty all around me, my senses are picking up every bit

This is not an everyday occurrence, not for one that struggles with demons in my head, the ones that dull your senses to make it seem the world is dark & lonely

On days like today, I take the extra time, to notice the beauty that is there everyday all around me, not to ignore the little things, as I notice a small finch flying in the white roses, rainbow colours streak as they dart

I am grateful for a day of colour, a day without the heaviness of darkness inside, no weight to pull me down, nothing to make me feel even moving is too much

Just as I am about to have another drink, my hand is almost at the handle of my favourite mug

I hear the happiest sound, running feet & a excited Mummy! School has finished, here come my constant sunshine

The smile on her 10 year old face is full of happiness & love, she runs for a cuddle

I can smell she has been active today, I can feel the softness of her hair as I kiss the top of her head

I know she has been through more loss & heartbreak then many adults can handle, yet there she is as happy as can be

Her hug is as tight as she can make it, she & I love our tight hugs, when you have been through so much together, a hug becomes more of a reminder all is ok

The hug is so fleeting as she has others to greet, she runs off too find her bonus mum, a woman that changed our lives, a small black fluffy dog is her constant companion, running to keep up with her excited steps

I remind myself not to take for granted days like today, it is so easy to not take the time to let my senses take over, I know that I need to notice the joy all around me

Tomorrow may be the same, it could be better

Or it could dump me down into the black hole of despair again.

Anticipation.

I wait in anticipation for you to talk through the door, I have brushed my hair, I have changed my clothes

My heart is beating a little faster, without realising it a smile is on my face, I feel light, my stomach is all fluttery

Then I hear your car, I hear the music & can imagine how you look, I love the way you bop your head, you move as much as you can

Your sunglasses will be on, you look like a dream in those glasses, all long blonde hair, beautiful face, long legs that I love

I wait for you to walk in the door, sometimes you wait for a while before coming in

Then as you walk up to the back door, you take my breath away again, not just your beauty that is plain to see, but the light that shines within 

I try to act casual, it’s been over a year together, but inside I am a bundle of nerves wanting to be in your arms 

When you look at me, I can see you feel just like I do, as I hug you I hear you sigh, you let go of the stress of the day, you know you are home, you can let go.

Time for us, to be us, & be silly!!

I am somewhat exhausted today, trying to parent, be a partner work & write. That’s what I do, just do everything at once.

Yesterday our daughter has gone away for 6 days with her grandparents, my partner & I have time for us, as much as we miss her like crazy.

We need this time to refresh, step back, slow down for a few days. Spend time as a couple not parents.

It’s easy as parents not to work on your relationship as much as we should, which is why time like this is important.

In a relationship like mine it is extra important.

My story is not a happy story over the last 4 years, & one day I will write more. So here is a short version.

I have been married for 16 years, in 2018 my wife needed a short 1/2 hour surgery, nothing major just a splint in her sphincter of oddi due to ongoing pain.

We were told there was a chance of complications, she was 35, fit, healthy, that wouldn’t happen to us.

We were wrong, after 3 months in ICU, then HDU then rehab, she is now in a nursing home as she can no longer talk & has basically no movement, with a severe acquired brain injury.

Our daughter & I visit regularly, & she is as happy as she can be I think, never really sure.

I never thought I would meet anyone else, in fact I hadn’t really thought about it, until I met an incredible woman, who also understands she shares me with my wife.

For us to have this time alone is so important, just to be together. To be us, & not worry about other things, to just be together, no interruptions.

The whole point of this post, is to say sometimes you need a day or 2 off from everything, for me today & tomorrow will be my days off.

To spend with my partner, put music on loud, we both love rap & heavy metal, laugh & love & be silly.

Enjoy the times you have with your partner, remember not to take it for granted.

The scars of trauma.

As hard as I try to lay my head down to sleep, the pictures inside my head refuse to cease

The pain & fear I felt then, is filling my body & soul again, the smells are coming back to haunt me

I can feel the iron grip of my biggest foe, the anxiety that I always keep just below my skin, it’s a beast inside that scratches & bites to come out

I always thought this would be my life, who wants to love a damaged soul, a person with scarred skin, & a soul that I am sure has a black mark end to end

Then you knocked on my door, you were respectful & gave me time, as is without a word you understood, you saw I had so much pain inside, I had no belief I could be loved

When I finally gave in, I finally found my safe haven to aid my sleep, not only to keep the beast at bay, but when the nightmares kicked in, you were there softly bringing me back

It was not easy, I fought to accept you could love someone as damaged as me

I tried to hide my scars, the physical scars are not so easy to hide away, they are there for all to see, to me they are all I see

You wouldn’t have this, you told me time & time again, you loved me scars & all, you made it clear to you the scars on me were just another piece of my map

You told me, they are just apart of you, they are not who you are, you are more then that, you are so much more that you realise

When I finally let that sink in, I gave myself permission to be loved

To be happy within, to trust another soul, to finally let down my walls, to give myself permission to be happy & loved.

There is a time to grieve.

For Mum. Thank you for your endless love & care.

Her light blonde hair lightly brushes her shoulders as she walks up the hallway, freshly brushed & a fresh coat of lipstick is all she needs to do

Naturally beautiful she does not need the make up others wear, she is not aware of how people take notice 

Her husband is, she smiles to herself, she knows he does not tolerate others looking at her, he has somewhat mellowed over the years

The fighting nature he had at university has turned into a fighting nature in the boardroom 

As she walks up the hallway she can smell the familiar scent of pipe tobacco in the air

This is a comforting smell, all though this is comforting it also makes her sneeze

She walks into the dining room, lightly smoothing her hair, she looks to the right, across the bar to a man with short wavy black hair

As he looks up at her, she can feel her eyes start to twinkle & then fill with love

As she looks into his eyes, she watches as his do the same, & then that final look of disbelief she married him

She knows he adores her, loves her unconditionally, as she does him, yes he can be hard to deal with at times, he can be happy irrational & quick to anger at other times 

But he does calm down quickly, he knows he can be irrational, his mind is always going so quick she thinks, no wonder he gets wound up

She can see he is starting to relax, finally starting to let go of the day he had, full of meetings & negotiations, fighting in the boardroom 

She hates to disturb him, but he is rarely home at this hour, not in time to put the kids the bed

The kids love to see him before sleep, love to run & cuddle up to the big teddy bear of a man they call Dad

Their daughter has been known to fly into his arms with excitement when he gets home, she is an emotional one she thinks to herself, very emotional like him.

She softly says that it’s time for the kids to go to bed, gently asking him to come & say goodnight, he gives her a slight smile & nods

She knows he will come, he rarely says no to her, & the children, well he would not deny them this time with him

As she walks away, she takes in the sound of ice swirling in a glass, knowing there will be scotch in the glass

She knew the children were his pride & joy, he loved their children, they were both so proud of their intelligent, chatty children, opposites of each other, yet similar in so many ways

She knows that in a few years, these children will be far too grown up, she wants to enjoy the time they have together now

Years later, she looks at an empty scotch glass sitting on the shelf, she hears the ice tinkling around, the smell of scotch & tobacco 

The memories of a life well lived come flooding back, she thinks of him, she can see him standing up against the wall of the balcony 

Their grown children, one on either side of him, their daughter wrapping her arm around him to keep him warm

His son on the other side, shifting closer without being aware, to share a little more body heat with this man they both admire

She thinks to herself, he was right about the children, the daughter has a mind that is very different, & emotions that can run out of control, she is her father’s daughter 

Their son is more like her, more practical & calm, he thinks things through, he is also intelligent like his father 

She can feel his warmth surround her, can feel the love he has for her, she knows she gave him the greatest gift she could 

Others thought it was too much, but not to her, not for him, to keep him at home, comfortable & surrounded by her love & care until his last week 

This is what he wanted, after 50 years of marriage, she wanted to be by his side, she can grieve the loss after, & she wants to be there for this precious time

She is comforted by the knowledge he is at peace, & out of pain, takes comfort in the knowledge he is with the god they believe in.

She knows he lived a rich & happy life, she knows that he was at peace in the end, at peace with moving on.

The war to be happy.

To my love, thank you for fighting to be happy, for showing me how much I mean to you, for loving me for all my flaws & faults, lumps & bumps.

To the one who lights up my life, shines brighter then a star on a cloudless night

Who loves so deeply & passionately, feels everything so intensely, often afraid to let the intensity show 

Who is loyal & protective to those she loves, she will stand by them as an army comes, she will block the way with her iron will, they will not brake through that stubborn wall

She is a confusion in her mind, thoughts flying across her mind, too fast for her to catch & consider

She is more beautiful then a sunset over the bay, she does not know this, she will not believe it

She so often wants to break, but instead knots herself together, knowing she has a unconditional love to keep her strong

She knows this kind of love is rare, but her instinct is to fight it tooth & nail, to accept this kind of love, she needs to accept herself 

She refuses to fall down for too long, she has her moments of going down a dark hole, not feeling a thing except for basic human needs

She does not like this hole she goes into, it poisons everything around her, causes those she loves to feel pain

This woman is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

The woman who has fought 100 battles, who has been given a rough start in her journey of life

She struggles to feel happy, to let herself be happy, oh but when she is, the way she is 

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she has a incredible laugh, a smile that cannot be dulled, a walk that swings her hips

To this woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday, you have beaten the odds, you have achieved more then you ever thought 

You faced your fears, you know you are stronger then those fearful thoughts, you are living a life you never gave yourself a chance to think would be a possibility 

I am forever grateful for your strength, to kick those fears out of your head, for me you did let go of them, for me you give yourself permission to be happy 

Do not think I take this lightly, I will always remember that you fought a war for me, to be with me, to be happy together.

Let me take your pain.

Tonight you were crying 

Your tears tear at my heart 

For you my girl are the most beautiful girl

You are my biggest fan

I am your biggest fan

I always will be standing right here 

To cheer you on & support you through it all

So when you cry it tears at my heart

As I always want to fix it all

I always want you to smile & laugh 

Life is not fair

This you know how cruel life can be, trauma leaves a scar

But remember my girl I will always be right here beside you

I will always make sure you know & remind you that I will always believe in you

Believe in your magic & strength to overcome the impossible

Believe that the strength you inherit from the women who love you

Will see you through life’s journey safely

I know try to hide the hurt away, to put it in a box

Remember my girl we all feel the pain too

One thing you need to know for sure 

Is that the love we have for you, will keep you warm

So wrap yourself up tight in parental love, know this love & belief will always be there for you.

It feels amazing.

This week has been huge for me, I never thought I would actually be able to put my work out there. For me what I write is very personal, it is me in written form.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember, I always kept everything locked away, the only people to really read anything was my parents.

This January my father passed away, he always encouraged me to put my work out there, I really didn’t think anyone would relate to what I write.

This week I have learnt that people appreciate honesty, they appreciate writing that comes from the heart, they also like the small details.

I have been humbled by the feedback I have been given. To hear so many people related & had a strong emotional response, is beyond what I was expecting.

So for now, it’s back to the writing, new work & editing old work. There is plenty more to come.

I hope you enjoy what you read. Please do leave a comment or any feedback you may have. ❤️

Time to say goodbye.

For my father. Thank you for always believing in me.

He stands up against the bar, his glass of scotch & ice lifted to his lips

His other hand holds a pipe, just like the one his grandfather smoked

The smell of scotch & tobacco is heavy in the air

A warm breeze blows through the open door, it lightly ruffles his wavy short black hair

He can hear his son & daughter playing by the pond, always happy to be together 

They are his pride & joy, a strapping brown haired boy, smart & inquisitive by nature 

His daughter is a bubbly blonde, always chatting & smiling, he knows people are fooled by this, they do not expect her to be so intelligent & witty

They are both well spoken, both well versed on all he has taught them

As his mind is drifting he can sense a familiar presence, one that brings him peace & calm

He looks across the bar to see a beautiful blonde, self assured, a little smile on her face

Her blue eyes are twinkling, he can see she is well dressed

As he looks at her, he still can’t believe, this beautiful woman in front choose to make a life with him

Their shared history is passed between them without a word spoken, they both can tell what each other is thinking with just a glance

His beautiful wife let’s him know it’s almost time for the kids to go to bed, he nods in acknowledgment, not looking away

As she walks off he gets lost in his thoughts, his mind never stops

He knows he has a gift, he knows his way of thinking is unique, but he can feel that this will do him well in his life

As an older man he stands against a different bar, more of a short wall, facing the sea

The smell of the sea fills his senses, the sound of the waves crashing is what he concentrates on

He knows that his time is short, he knows that the sun won’t rise for him much longer 

His beautiful wife come to stand beside him, lovingly wrapping a blanket around him & helps him to the bed

As he lies down he thinks back of all he has achieved, his work was a huge success, he knows he has left a mark for another to take on.

He knows this will take time, there are not many who are so intelligent & dignified in all they do

Not only as a thinker, but also as the last of the old gentleman left, a true gentleman through & through

His children all grown up, now with children of their own, he thinks of how amazed he is to watch his children be capable & loving parents, he never doubted they would, he knew they doubted themselves

He could not be prouder of all they have achieved, challenges they have faced, all the trauma they have conquered, in this he especially thinks of his blonde daughter & granddaughter, of the loss & grief they have suffered of their lives torn apart

He knows he has done all he can, he knows he has fought hard, he knows he has taught them well, he knows he has shown them everything he could, he knows it is time to say goodbye

His ever loving wife wraps her arms around him, bringing the peace he needs.

The peace he needs to let go, to leave his ailing body behind, to leave the pain & suffering, to finally be at peace.

Come To Me.

The moment you gave in

I felt your love crashing into me

The way it made me feel inside

The only word is ecstasy

The moment you gave in

Your body decided to let me in

Your kiss is addictive & is more divine

Then anything I can describe

The way your body moved like a dream

Took my breath & thoughts away

The feeling I could see

Was flowing through you oh so sweet

Your nipples hardened

Then your thighs

As the thought of what’s to come

The moment you gave in

You grabbed my hair to make it clear

The sweet honey that tastes like summer rain that drips between your legs

Was what you wanted to provide

You wanted it right then

To let a slick hard tongue tease & stroke

To Make that honey flow

You pushed me down & jumped on the tongue that’s just for you

You pushed my tongue as deep inside

With the weight of your body & strength of your thighs

You knew the feeling it gave to me

Would make give me pleasure only you can provide

You let yourself go with such abondon

That when the honey started to flow

A honey river flowed right down my throat

You shivered with pleasure

You screamed your finish to the ceiling

As I sucked your honey & licked it out

You lost your breath & grabbed my hair

Telling me you were ready for more.

In your eyes it was clear to me

Your love for me was oh so pure

Your honesty in your eyes

Was one I rarely see as you guard it all away from harm

But when you let me in you are suddenly so aware

The only harm that will come to you

Is a sensational overload.

Savage

You can say what you like as you walk on by

You can call me what you like

Do you think you are the first to tell me what you think

I will tell you first, I am a bigger woman, there is no size 6 in me I am curvy

I have the hourglass so many desire I can carry off a corset just like you imagine one to look

My bust that comes right up when the laces are tied

So please go right ahead, & say what you like

I am enough not just for me, but do you see that beautiful blonde that everyone is looking at

The one with the curvy legs, & a swagger that makes you stop, that blonde loves me.

River of rage.

You don’t feel yourself, I can see it in your eyes, in the way your body is so tense

You say it’s that your tired, but it is clear that is not all of it

There is another feeling down below, a never ending river of rage

The sort of rage that takes you over, the rage that one can not control 

You can feel it coming up, taking over & running through your veins 

You aren’t in control anymore, the rage inside has taken over, you are gone for the moment 

You know you need to calm it down, but the pain of trying to put this out is more then you can handle 

You shut yourself away, you know you are hurting those you love 

Not only with the rage, but with the words spoken in hate & rage, aiming for the part of them it will hurt the most 

As you slowly return you expect them to leave, who could love a beast like you

When they stay you don’t know why, & you question everything, how could they love you, surly not, they are fooling themselves 

You make this clear, you tell them don’t love me, you have made a mistake 

You don’t see how this hurts them, they look you dead in the eye, & tell you please stop pushing my love away

At this point of breaking you make a sudden decision 

Instead of running or closing off, you let them deep within 

The warmth you feel within heals you in such a surprising way

You never thought you could be happy but now you understand 

You must allow yourself to be happy, you must allow yourself to be loved.

You finally start to accept that maybe, after all, you are worth loving.

Unexpected.

When you came along, it was not love at first, it was a raw attraction, the sort you can not fight

I knew I would give in eventually, I knew that I could only sit across from you for too long

Then you made it clear, you made sure I knew you wanted me

A wanting of instinct that was hard to ignore, a wanting that made you squirm& fill with your mind with vivid thoughts

I showed you I felt the same, I showed it with my eyes, & spoke it with my words, I had my own vivid thoughts of your body next to mine

I knew you were struggling with desire hearing each & every word, feeling my eyes run up & down you, appreciating every inch, your long legs, your perfect torso, beautiful face, & breasts that are perky with lust

I had never felt such a wave of desire, I had loved before, but raw desire is a different flavour

I let you lead me by the hand to show me what you desired, I was so nervous, not only because it had been awhile, but I didn’t want to disappoint

You left me wrong in such a way my legs were shaking after, my nipples still hard, & wet sheet were your proof

The feeling throughout my body is hard to explain, like honey running through my veins that took me to another place

My mind was blank except for the feeling of being beyond satisfied, beyond thought & beyond talking

You had taken me words & left me with a feeling that I had never experienced

In that moment I could see how happy with yourself you were, I could also see what was more important is that you had made me feel something amazing

With your beautiful body that moves like a dream, your long hair, lustful eyes, & a mouth that is impossible not to kiss

It was on this night you discovered your love for my tongue, the way I made you feel was unexpected I could see, well beyond what you had ever had before

You showed me I could be happy again that night, that yes I could open myself again to another, I just had to believe.

No end in sight.

On nights like this, I lay here in tears, letting them soak into my pillow case

I can feel the material is damp, I can feel the tears running still

I know there is no end in sight right now, at least that’s how it feels, the empty pain inside just won’t disappear

Just as I am about to give in, you wrap your arms around me, I can smell your familiar perfume

You remind me I am not alone, you make sure that I am hearing you, listening to what you say

I can slowly feel your words penetrate my mind, slowly I can see the fog starting to lift

I turn over slowly, wrap my arms around you & breathe in your comforting scent

As I let myself take this in, the tears start to dry up, the emptiness within is starting to fill with your love

A warmth starts to grow within my heart, spreading slowly through my veins

I stop shivering & shaking, I take a deep breath

I look at you & see in your eyes everything you are feeling

This is what snaps me back, brings me back to myself

I feel my muscles relax, I take a deep breath, & I know things will be ok.

There will be other times I fall like this, you are there to bring me back, always making sure I know

I am not a burden, I am me, you love all of me, including the darkness within.

Whilst I sit here.

I am sitting here alone, trying not to think too hard, trying to control my mind

My mind just goes & finds the saddest parts of me, it brings them back to show them to me

For me to examine in every small detail, to feel the pain, sadness & sense of loss again

To feel the heartbeat, to feel like I am burning within, to fill me with self doubt all over again

This is a curse I live with, in this I know I am not alone, there are many out there who suffer the burning pain

The burning is a part of me & my mind, a part of my bisuffering

So for now I will shut off my mind to those memories, I do not need to reexamine all the pain of years gone by.

The guard within.

As she sat on the chair, looking into the sky, her eyes were open, her heart is beating, but her mind was nowhere near

She had only ever had herself to relay on, never trusting completely that another would not let her down 

Every time she got close to letting everything go, they would prove her right & let her down again 

Not just through words or actions, there was always the way they proved they really didn’t know her at all

This time everything was different, the effort was clearly given that she was not going to be disappointed again 

The guard she had inside herself was so strong, to let this down, to believe that another could full fill her desire, & she her she could trust another with her entire self

Without meaning to cause any hurt she started to test this love she had found 

Before she knew what she was doing she had pushed them both to the brink, with hurtful words & a clear distance in her eyes

She was sure her love would walk away, hurt & disappointed, now that her love had seen it the worst, the beast of rage that lived within in her

Just as she was about to resign herself to a life of pain, her love was there, wrapping her arms around her, asking did you think that would scare me away

Suddenly this guard within came tumbling down, she felt her emotions swell out within her, like a tidal wave

She was not going to be pushed aside, not let down or disappointed 

For she had finally found what she needed, the love of another that was so true, it would hold her up no matter what, & she would always feel a security, a serenity within, that has never been given or felt before.

Finally she had found her place next to another, another strong woman her could hold her own, & love her unconditionally.

Burn

There are many times in life we burn to the ground 

Suffocating under all its weight

It all seems to be too much at times, the pain of burning

Tragedy within a family can tear you up inside 

Be it yours or one you hold dear inside your heart

You know the fire that is to come, the pain that takes over it grates to the core

Remind yourself & those who need to hear a way back from burning

Look inside your heart, look down to the very bottom 

Where your heartbreak & loss live

There you will find a Phoenix sleeping, who can take that fire on, it will build you back up again 

The Phoenix will bring you back with a new resolve

Remember this when you feel like you are burning from the inside out 

Embrace the strength you have inside, For you are stronger then you know.

As she struts.

The blonde in all her confidence started to strut towards me

Her eyes full of lust & love, wanting her body to be devoured

As she came towards me I could see her skin had a light sheen of moisture

I knew at once she was more then anticipating the feeling that would come over her, she was on the cusp right there

I let myself admire her beauty, the beauty that everyone sees & wants

Then I looked beyond the physical, to see the glow from within

The beauty that sits inside, shaped by life, the scars she hates, the scars that I heal

I make sure she knows from my eyes, this is the beauty that I admire most

As she climbs up onto the bed, I can’t help but let her take my breath away

With her long blonde hair, her perfect bosom, a waist that is so well defined

As I look down I see her legs, her long lean legs, the legs she dislikes, I adore

In that moment she pounces, no more patience within her

She grabs my face, kissing me hard, I feel her tongue invite itself in to my mouth

I know what she is wanting, pleading for with her body

She knows I can never deny her, as the taste of her is my favourite reward

I start to slowly kiss my way down her body, to show her how much I appreciate her

This is not a wait she can tolerate, again my head is grabbed

This time pushing my mouth, right between her legs, to her sweet center, to taste the honey I love most

To me, she knows, this is enough to bring me, to know the amount of pleasure I am giving her

When you truly love each other, it can be the pleasure of the other that means so much more

All of a sudden I feel her tense, I know this feeling all to well, the familiar feeling of her pleasure reaching its peak

Before I can think, the honey is pouring, pouring right into my mouth

I let her keep going, licking that honey out

Once I know she has finished for now, I slowly look up to see her face

And let her see the love in my eyes, the way my breasts are lifting & my nipples are hard

To show her it was her pleasure that turned my body into bliss, as my own honey is running down my leg.

Raw

To have hope is amazing you feel so free

To finally feel like you could maybe be happy

To see that right in front of you takes your breath away

Yet in a few words it can all be ripped away

You put in so much work to try to show what you feel & see

When this is thrown back at you, along with the loss of hope

It rips you to your soul when all that you see is all but taken away

Life can be dark.

Life is often so dark & lonely

Not because we are alone but because we haven’t met our better half

The one that makes life suddenly feel bright

The one that gives us the future we never saw coming

The one who makes our heart, mind & body sing

When you came this is what I saw

When you stayed this is what I believe

My future is no longer lonely or dark

The energy.

By the feel of the energy I know someone is there

Someone is not really the way to explain it

I know the energy, I know I am not alone, I know the energy does not mean harm, but there it is

I can feel someone behind me, feel their hand on my shoulder 

No, just breathe you know there is nothing there

Just a feeling of not being alone, of being afraid of the unknown 

But what is that smell? Like pipe tobacco or cigarettes mixed together 

There are two energies I feel, this seems all so wrong, it is so unsettling 

I must be rational, must not let this shake me, I must be strong, ignore what I feel 

I am starting to panic, I can feel it rising up, my breath is quicker & I start to sweat

All of a sudden the energy changes, there is a third there, another energy 

The smell gets stronger, Brandi, cigarettes, pipe tobacco & scotch fill my nose

As I stand there trying not to panic, a very familiar set of arms embrace me & calm me

Then two more join those arms, & then another two 

In my mind I can see clearly who it is, my family of elders who have passed on

Came back to check, to make sure me & mine are doing well.

Let it be.

Just let it go

There are some things that cannot be fixed

Life is not easy

Life is not always fair

To let go of one you love

Who guided you

Loved you

And provided you with lifelong tools

It is hard to let go

To see them float away

If they have been suffering

Let this bring you some peace

Let it bring you some comfort

To know they are now at peace

They will always be around you

In spirit they will be

Living in your heart & mind

Giving advice when it is needed most

Never doubt you were loved

Just look at how they adored you

Take some joy from this

Then let it go.

If only we could let it go.

If we were made of water, our tides would come & go

The rips would change day to day, never knowing where to next

We would always be together, shaping rocks as we crash into them

Shaping the cliffs out of our emotions 

We would just crash up against each other in the waves 

Knowing that once we have let it out, the storm will pass us by

The sand will come & go, always changing with the storms

The bottom is scared by all the storms that have since passed 

Water is so unpredictable, you never know when a whirlpool will appear

The only thing you know for sure, water will always change

Water will always be connected, always riding out the storm.

Mother’s Love

Mother’s Love

There are so many ways that you have shown me

Shown me how to be the best version of me I can be

Not just by telling me or reminding me

By living & doing by example to show me it can be done

I know we are so different in so many ways

You have always known that I needed more time & care then most

You understood that my brain is not like others

You may not understand how it why

You have taken the time to understand in your way

To make sure you be the best mother to me

This is not easy, it is a bumpy road

We both know that the issues I face

Are very different from anything you know

You still make sure you can relate

To the way all this makes me feel

The struggle to sometimes get ahead

Is something that I get lost in

You are always there to ensure

I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A forgotten memory.

Ask me about my childhood, the early years we all have

You will tell me a funny story that you remember among many

I will look at you with a blank look

Can I remember a story from those early years

I try as I might I try so hard to remember one that’s good

But this memory of mine has nothing to give

No record or replay button they have long broken

It’s not just my childhood that this has taken

My relationships with people is just not the same

I have to hide the fact that I don’t remember a name or how me met

This causing discomfort when I try to push my mind

This is how it all makes me feel

Like my life is half remembered

The memories others have of me, the laughs & happiness lives in others

I only hold a fraction of my life, the memories are not by choice

They are the memories by brain chooses, they always seem the most bland of all

I know my life is full, the love of a woman & daughter brightens my day

They last thought of everyday

Is how I wish I could remember each moment of my day.

The curse of the menopause.

What a sordid mess 

The pain of it all just gets right in

The fog of winter rolls right through a brain that is still young
The muscles that constantly twitch & hurt
The dizziness that causes the young to fall
The way it makes us want to stay indoors Everything outside is far too much
The way we can not deal with disagreements The way it makes us hate ourselves 
From our hair to our skinTo our face to our eyes
To our insides to our outsides
The hate just flows like blood
The way it makes us doubt all who love us
To doubt their love, commitment & loyalty The way it makes us believe our lovers are loving another 

The way it shows us every fault as if we are looking through a microscope 

The way it makes us sure no one could ever love us no one could accept us
Not now not ever 

Just remember this my dear ladies 

A time will come that it will pass
Until then stay strong & relay on your loved ones
Don’t forget they suffer right along side us
Try to see one thing that is good inside & outside you will find one
Scream to the roof tops
And remember to be kind to one’s self

Darkness

The darkness is a old friend who lives inside us

The friend you never invite, who comes without warning

Bringing comfort in the familiar

The familiar feel of drowning in darkness, of being able to just ignore reality

To curl up tight, & pretend that that the darkness is a friend, not the foe we know it is

As much as curling up in the darkness would be so easy

The pull to hide away to lick our wounds

To let the pain of what is in the darkness take over

To let ourselves give in to that pull, to feel some calm within

The darkness tells us do not worry, no one will notice, if they do don’t mention I am here

We live in pain & numbness, within society but surrounded by darkness

The darkness is like the night sky with no stars to light it up

But have you ever noticed that when you close your eyes & all is dark

The darkness is not just black, there is colour every now & then

The colour is like a shooting star bringing some much needed light

When you are in the darkness, look out for the flashes, the coloured shooting stars

Remember to follow that colour, run after it as fast as you can

As much as the negative darkness is weighing you down

You know you can do this, you just need to remember how

Don’t let yourself get lost in thought, keep your eyes focused & run after that colour

The colour that you are chasing is not alone anymore, others have come to show themselves

To show how bright they can be in the darkness, to give you that light

The darkness will try to call you back, to lull you into numbness once more

The darkness will tell you, you are all alone

Turn away from the darkness & look into those colours, focus on the brighter middle of the colour

You will see the colour is shaped like a hand, the palm burning bright to show you light & love

Those colours are the ones who love & believe in you, who will always care

Turn away from the darkness, say goodbye for now

I know the darkness will be back, this is a familiar battle for me

Take hold of those coloured hands, let yourself feel the love they are willing to give

Let them pull you out, let them soothe you & surround you with what you need

You are not a burden, you are worth loving, you are enough

I know it is a battle, to stop that old friend & foe barging in

Just remember that when this happens, those coloured stars will appear again

When you next close your eyes, and see the colours flashing around

Remember they are not just colours, they are the people that love us most, the people that will battle the darkness for you.

Ellpoet is a page of unexpected poetry about love, life, bi pola & PTSD.

I have bi pola & PTSD, both of these I write about, to help me cope & share experiences.

The beautiful demise.

The beautiful blonde walked out the door ignoring the eyes on her
She knew they were there but only cared about one set watching her
She could feel the eyes watching her & felt a little more special 
She knew it wasn’t just because of her beauty or swagger
It what was inside that was loved the most 
The scars, bruises & marks she knew all to well
She knew these were loved no matter how much she despises them
Remember she says to herself, that I am special & loved
I am the one written about 
I am enough.